I will die if light touches me.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
It's never too late to be topless.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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