made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
