Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
