I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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