I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
