its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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