saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
