Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I looked at my own cervix.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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