Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize