i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
