I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
