take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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