drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
