I'm going to jail i love you
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
