I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
