It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
