so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
