gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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