We're like a lot better than the average bears
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
