So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
