just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
