you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize