shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
