I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
