some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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