Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
