you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
