I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
My Sexting was not on an AP level
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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