I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize