So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
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