The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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