oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
My butt remains clenched, sir.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
