Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
This is the high leading the old right now
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
