Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
