I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
