I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
