I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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