____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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