Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
