I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
