from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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