just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Just pee around me
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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