Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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