Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
