dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
