you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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