I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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