UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
