I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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