I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I'm passing your future prison.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
