Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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