i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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