There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
