I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
