I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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