I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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