well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
