I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
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